I am currently at home nursing a rather annoying head cold. Fun, fun. It happens. Whatever. One of the fringe benefits of having a cold is the part when you wake up in the middle of the night and your head is completely clogged up…and then you can’t fall back asleep. The result? Infomercials, people. Infomercials.
I spent several hours in the middle of the night last night catching up on these wonderfully ridiculous spectacles of television airtime. Sleeping would have been preferred. Being jabbed in the eye with a toothpick would have been preferred at certain over-the-top moments in these ads. But in the process of staring at the screen for hours on end, I learned about all of the oh-so-useful items that you could own in four – no wait, we’re slashing one payment if you act now – three easy installments.
First, we have the Magic Bullet. This lovely 21 piece system promises that you can accomplish a whole lot of things in less than 10 seconds. It looks great – if you’re feeding someone who has already consumed an entire meal. Or maybe a mouse, or something of that size. I’d say if this thing was four times the size it currently is, I’d consider buying it. The portions are smaller than the chances of LeBron James being elected Mayor of Cleveland. My favorite part of the advertisement is when they explain that the mug attachments come with different colored rings to put on top of it so you can remember which one is yours. Sadly, this could actually be useful once folks start tossing back a few cocktails. The people all seem so happy in the infomercial. I am happy for them. I think.
Next, it’s the Heat Surge Roll-n-Glow Electric Fireplace. It’s made by the Amish so it has to be good. Available in light oak, dark oak, black, or cherry the Heat Surge is the perfect accent to any room. And you’ll be warm while you enjoy a simulated fireplace. Doesn’t get any better than that.
Continuing with the staying warm theme, there’s the Eden Pure heater. Bob Vila says it’s great and that should be good enough for you. The guy from Home Improvement likes it too so they have strength in numbers here. Safe, effective heat – and it’s a huge money saver if you ask the people who give testimonials on the infomercial. Monumental savings for these people. Like, their entire heating bill, slashed in half. Or more! Problem is, they flash a disclaimer in a small font several times saying the average homeowner saves more like 10 percent. Fail.
Heading back to the kitchen, we find the NuWave oven. You can cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner in this thing. It does it all! All at the press of a button. It’s a miracle. Problem is the control pad on the top of this thing looks like something that would come with a board game. Can’t imagine it would last very long. But, what do I know? Ask the people who wrote how much they like it at the bottom of the website for this product instead.
Finally, the Miracle Blade. For all of you recreational knife enthusiasts out there – this baby sports a blade ‘so sharp you can cut a pineapple in mid-air.’ Why on Earth anyone would ever have the need to do this, I do not know. But thanks to this little creation, you could. I can only imagine how many ER visits have been brought on by folks trying to pull this feat off after receiving their Miracle Blades. It’s also nice to know that this blade will cut concrete blocks as well as metal hammers. I’m pretty sure you can also cut a shoe with it. Is it me or does this guy have a little too much fun with those knives up there? Ah well. To each his own.
I think the head cold is making me cynical today. My apologies. Just calling it as I see it. I am sure these are wonderful items and it is comforting to know that they are only a phone call away. Better make that phone call soon though – you know, before the special offer expires.